Relish this remarkable life

Grace fills my life and surrounds me with God’s eternal love.
How can we capture the love that Christ offers us and share it with others?

This blog began as my diary for a journey I never intended to take, but a journey which I was chosen to take. It often can be personal and when I type I forget that others will read it, but that is when we are most honest with ourselves. I believe with all my soul that my breast cancer journey was a blessing, not a cure. Was it easy…Absolutely Not! Was it necessary…NO! But was it fruitful…YES!

This coming week I celebrate my 3 year anniversary of being cancer free. May 4, 2012 doctors took part of me, which created a roller coaster of emotions for me as I dress each day being reminded of what was taken. But on May 4, 2012 doctors also took the ugly darkness that threatened me. With the darkness gone, I focused on the LIGHT!

The tumor removed had a 50/50 chance of returning within the first 3 years! And by God’s grace I will hit that marker on Monday! Praise God! Now it drops to 30%…but I’ll look at the opposite…70% it will never return!

Although I have not blogged in a while. I am hoping this blog begins to transform into sharing grace moments in everyday life. Grace is all around us, it is within us and it forever embraces us. It is in sharing the grace moments that we strengthen each other, carry each other and inspire each other.

MIT meteorologist, Edward Lorenz, created one of the most intriguing ideas that moved from lab to pop culture: the “butterfly effect,” the concept that small events can have large, widespread consequences. In a world that can be cynical, depressing and negative; I can only effect those around me..or do does it? What would happen in a world where all our “wings” were spreading grace to others? I would give anything to see that world!

Last weekend I embraced grace is a simple meal. Okay pizza at Giordano’s may be simple, but there was nothing simple about getting 17 of us together! Kevin and I along with our son and his fiance met in Naperville with some of the Caschetta cousins. Two nieces and a nephew, their spouses and children (7 children…5 under the age of 6 years old)…what a beautiful and wonderful family. The craziness even prevented us from snapping a picture together, but the grace flowed throughout the table.

Catching up with their lives and watching the little cousins laugh was grace enough for me. As Kevin and I sat at one end of the long table, I realized the incredible family we have. As my children’s generation begin families and I sit in my empty nest with Kevin, I am able to reflect on all the amazing things God has provided for our family.

Seeing Lindsay, Nick and Britt in strong marriages, facing the challenges of raising children while balancing work and home makes me feel blessed. The fact that these extremely busy 30 somethings were able to make time for us touched my heart deeply. What a gift to spend time with family! I love all my big crazy family!!

God is a family, one in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He created us to flourish in families, even mucky families. We are able to choose our actions and reactions to whatever life throws at us. When you do it from a place of faith, God gives us wiper blades to get the musky-ness out of our line of sight. It’s not gone, there is just a clearer vision within.

Life experiences help us to also see much clearer. I honestly don’t know how I would have handled breast cancer at 25 or 35. There were so many wonderful friends, mentors, bible study members, teachers, priests and family that taught me vital lessons throughout my life…and created the person I am still working on today. Thank you.

Each step we travel, especially if we have God at our side and entwined in our lives, is a stepping stone to a grace filled life. Travel with me on this journey!

Every year, I snuggle with my daughter and husband and watch About Time. It is a beautiful story about family, love and life. In the closing moments of the movie, the main character says “we are traveling through this life together, every day of our lives, all we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable life.”

Grace embraced through lives small steps each day with people we love and people we have yet to meet and love. Our wings bring grace to so many, every day of our incredible, remarkable lives. Enjoy a grace embraced life!

“But by the grace of God, I am what I am, and his grace to me has not been ineffective.” 1 Corinthians 15:10

A Year of Thriving

My mom, brothers and sisters…Love you all!

August 8, 2013 – Last treatment
of the targeted chemotherapy, Herceptin.

August 8, 2014 – A year free of treatments- JOY. A year free of needle pokes and IV bags-PEACE. A year of hair growth and personal growth-LOVE. A year filled with love of family and friends-KINDNESS. A year filled with sunshine blinding my cloudy days because I wake up every morning-GOODNESS.

My daily prayers still include some personal intentions, but they are mostly prayers of thanksgiving. I have faced the evil that cancer is and am still thriving. A sweet cousin, who also overcame breast cancer, wisely told me as I began this journey in March of 2012, that she doesn’t consider herself a survivor, she is a thriver. I have come to realize that my life too is about thriving! My prayer is that I continue to thrive and bear the fruits of the Spirit to others.

I was blessed this past year of good health to spend beautiful moments with my sisters, Diane, Teri and Toni and my brothers, Don and John. I believe our relationships grew stronger and deeper. There were many moments that I treasure with friends too, but siblings share a special bond that runs long and deep. They have seen me at my worst and my best and they continue to stand by me. I pray I have shown them and will continue to show them the love, kindness and gentleness that they have shared with me. Some of the years highlights were…

Kevin and I were blessed to vacation just before my last Herceptin with Teri and Diane for Teri’s Hawaii wedding to a wonderful new brother-in-law, Nick. Teri’s children Mindy and Jack joined us for an incredible 5 sunny days.

Kevin and I were blessed to vacation with Don and Mindy in Cancun for a glorious week in January. Yes during Chicago’s below zero temperatures we were all glad to get away and relax at the beautiful gulf waters. Their friends Tony and Diane joined us for an amazing time filled with lots of laughs.

In March we stole a few days away for my nephew’s wedding in Arizona. Pete and Melissa filled the air with the love that radiated from them. And the time with the extended Caschetta family was so much fun…lots of little ones running around the reception and leading the moves on the dance floor.

The abundant blessings came about at the end of May when we could put off no longer the trip that we had been planning in our minds and hearts for 8 years. Fifteen days in Italy…Rome, Venice, Florence, Cinque Terra and Lucca. My heart felt at home in Lucca. Maybe it was because it is where my Nonno and Noni met, or maybe it was because I knew my father had walked those streets too. I don’t know what it was, but I felt a connection to a place I had only heard stories about.

There may have been hard moments, scary moments and moments of distress this past year. But I choose to remember the moments I spent with my husband, my daughter, my son, my mother, my siblings and my friends. Laughing, loving and living…no, laughing, loving and thriving!

Grace embraced through the love I have been blessed to share with others throughout the past year. May the Lord use me to help others bear their burdens, so that I may lighten their load in some small way.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control Galatians 5:22-23

 

The Almighty Physician

If you have ever faced an illness you understand when I talk about all the physicians necessary to care for you.

Over the past two years I have met with a gynecologist, breast surgeon, radiologists, cardiologist, oncologist, internal medicine, nuclear medicine, dermatologist, otolaryngologist, gastroenterologist, dentist, ophthalmologist, oncology radiologists, generalist, podiatrist, nephrologist and I’m sure I am forgetting someone (sorry). Each of these doctors were wonderful and a specialist in their field. I am so blessed to have the top-notch professional available at the University of Chicago Medical Center. Although they may have helped me along the way, the only true physician I needed was the Almighty Physician.

When I sat back and allowed The Physician to treat me, not only was I treated physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.

Now I see the scar that a surgeon left, but The Physician healed.
I have neuropathy in my feet left from treatment, but The Physician knows my pain.
He was there in the surgery, He was there for each appointment, walking right next to me.
He knows what I feel, what I need and what I can carry…and I will continue to trust Him with my life.
He is my constant, always faithful and always present.

Grace embraced through the moments I remember to pause and acknowledge the healing touch of our Lord Jesus.

“Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do” Luke 5:32

Taking up my cross

Why do so many suffer? Why does anyone even have to?

We have been paying for the sin of eating that apple for a long time.
Sin was brought into this world through a simple act, but this Lent we can choose to look beyond the sin; to look beyond the suffering. To cast our eyes of heaven and remember there is a paradise waiting for us.

I know suffering. I have been in pain. Physical pain through 17 months of treatments and many tests before, throughout and continuing. I have had the emotional pain of losing loved ones. But there is always mountain tops to help us with the valleys. I choose this Lent to focus on the blessings. I want to focus on the graces and the joys of my life. It’s a choice, it’s a decision I make each day. And you have the same choice too. You can choose to remain in the suffering or depression of our lives or you can choose to look upward and change your view.

Christ suffered…He did not have to, He’s God…He could have chosen a million other scenarios to come into the world. But He chose a lowly stable to be born in and a brutal cross to die on. He accepted this path for His life. My suffering can never be as horrible. Lent is calling me to reflect on Christ’s life and I can’t do that without reflecting on everything He gave for me…and you.

So I will take up my cross everyday, no matter how heavy. At the end of the day, I also know that I can lay my cross at the feet of Jesus and He willingly takes it from me. I pray my life gives glory to the graces that have been given me.

Grace embraced today through the kindness of the medical professionals that helped my daughter with her pain this past week while fighting a violent flu, while her parents can’t get to her in Arizona. I love and miss you Jaclyn.

If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:24

Last Herceptin!

Thursday, August 8^th is my sister’s birthday.  This year along with the gift I sent her in Colorado I also gave her a better gift. My last day of treatment.  I’m done with surgery, I’m done with Adriamycin, Cytoxan Chemotherapy. I’m done with Taxol Chemotherapy. I’m done with Radiation therapy. I’m now done with a year of Herceptin chemotherapy. It was the last piece in the puzzle and I’m so happy that the last piece of the puzzle is complete!

So August 8th was a true celebration. The only thing that would have made it better was if my daughter, Jaclyn and my sisters could have been here to celebrate with me.

However my husband did an amazing job celebrating with me. He took off work early to go to treatment with me. Even though I’ve been going to treatments alone since finishing Taxol, (Herceptin does not affect my driving), he wanted to go with me. I always become extremely tired after Herceptin. So a restful weekend is always in order.

Kevin and I laughed with the nurses as we all celebrated my final treatment visit. I brought treats as a thank you for being so wonderful! We laughed, hugged and said good-bye. I stopped downstairs to the radiology section to drop treats for those lovely ladies there too. I’ll miss them, but not the treatments. I trust the Lord has removed all the cancer, so visits there will in the future will only be to say hello!  Like my oncologist said last month, “well you’re looking good, and we threw the book at you.” And I smiled and said “thanks, it was a really heavy book.”

Kevin and I left University of Chicago Comprehensive Cancer Center at Silver Cross for home. My son was waiting for me to celebrate with my family. Kevin had invited my mom, brothers and their families over for dinner to celebrate. But he had more up his sleeve.

As Mindy, my sister-in-law, came armed with paper products and flowers, she began preparing veggies, appetizers and desserts. In came Mary and Dominic from Cafe Milan in Frankfort. I have known them for 15 years and they have the best caterers in the area (http://caffemilanfrankfort.com/menu.htm) They brought in more food than my family eats and I started to suspect something was afoot.

Spinach lasagna, chicken pesto, strawberry spinach salad, baked fruit and congratulatory cakes filled my kitchen counter. Then friends started arriving.  I was so thrilled to see so many people who have filled my life the past 18 months celebrating with me!

What an amazing evening!

Thank you Kevin. And Thank you Lord for bringing me through this journey. I know it will never be completely over, but I have reached to top of the mountain and can see the light streaming on my face from heaven! Every day is grace filled!

Grace embraced through every moment of love I have received and I pray that I can share it forward to others in my life through any challenging valleys they may have to travel, while praising with them for all the wonderful moments of mountaintops!

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God
not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:7-10 

Anniversary thoughts

Today begins the Anniversary march. You know when you experience the “firsts” of everything.

One year ago today I found my lump. Although I say “my”, I never took ownership of it. It was a foreigner in my body and as soon as I felt it I wanted it out. I remember telling my husband and he said lovely “it’s probably nothing”. I know he was trying to calm my fears and comfort me. But the one thing I was not was fearful.

I was with my father on November 24, 2006 when the doctor drained the fluid from his lungs and told him the tests were stage 4 lymphoma. He looked at my mother and lovely said “we’ve had a great life”. He would fight with everything he had, but he was not fearful but calm in those first few moments.

I remember thinking immediately of my dad and how strong he was and how faith-filled he was. And I felt the same way. I was not fearful, but I was concerned. Yet, I felt a peace over me. As if the Lord was saying to me “I’ve got this”. And I believed…

“It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority” Acts 1:7

And I have always trusted in my Lord…and He has never failed me.

I trusted His plan is so much better than any plan I could imagine.
I trusted His timing is perfect and that I will not be disappointed.
I trusted His healing power to guide those ministering to me.
I trusted His joy in seeing His glory in all that I would undergo.

And He exceed any expectations I could have imagined.

I would not wish this journey on anyone and I would not choose to go through it again. But I was so blessed with each step of this journey. You have read before all those that have helped me. But spiritually nothing compares to the depth of the relationship between Jesus and me.

He hears from me daily and many times throughout the day.

And I hear from Him more than ever…
I hear his voice in the friends that have reached out to me.
I hear his voice in the family that have cared for me.
I hear his voice in the doctors as they treat me.
I hear his voice in all the support techs and nurses that have shown amazing kindness.

His grace surrounds me.

When I began this blog I named it Grace Embraced, because I knew I felt grace filled moments as I walked those first few weeks alone with my husband and children. Now I know God named this Grace Embraced because He planned on filling every moment of my life with grace, as He has always done…but my eyes are now wide open and I can clearly see the grace as it flows around me.

Grace is Love.
And
Love is God.

To all the wonderful women in my life…for me, do a self-exam this evening…be aware of your own body…don’t put off until tomorrow…I love you all too much to not remind you…

So even on this anniversary that no one wants to remember, and as I approach the first anniversary of surgery and first anniversary of chemo, etc. I remember my dad’s words “we’ve had a good life” and I’m still enjoying it! Thanks Dad for looking down on me and Praise to the Lord for his goodness endures forever and flows over me we grace! According to my medical oncologist, my chances are statistically 50/50 that I will be here for more than 5 years. But my God knows statistics don’t hold any value with Him and I will continue to embrace and follow Him!

Grace embraced through you all; and you all are embraced with all the graces I have received, because I cannot receive them without sharing them with you.

“the day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Matthew 24:36

How would people describe you physically?

June 14, 2012

How would people describe you physically?

The man at the counter with blue eyes. The girl with the bounce in her walk. Maybe, but it is usually…the blonde, cute short cut or long brown hair. Hair, we are usually described by hair.

I never thought much about how people would describe me physically, until I was facing moving from the woman “with long dark hair” into the “bald cancer patient”.

It was only a few months ago that I needed to step in during a rehearsal as someone’s sponsor and the 8th grader told her mother later that evening “it was your friend from the office with pretty long hair”. Huge praise from a 13 year old.  Now I remember moments like that as grace filled God moments to strengthen me.

When I was diagnosed and praying over decisions between surgery and chemo, a dear friend was praying with her 7 year old son for me.  During the prayer he told his Mom, “Aunt Janet should choose surgery, because no one will notice fake breasts but everyone will certainly notice a bald woman.” Bless his heart, he was so concerned on how I would feel and how others would perceive me…a pure treasured moment of grace, concern and love for me.

Well surgery is over and no fake breasts for others to not notice yet, but now the toxic chemicals are stealing my hair anyway. There is no choice with AC chemo all hair falls out, usually on day 12-14. I am on day 8. I never really thought I had great hair, and it was a true challenge taming the natural wave before straighteners. But I have worn it longer than shoulder since grade school.  So it has been an identity for me whether I admit it or not. So…

I’m not waiting for cancer to steal my “pretty long hair”. So much with this diagnosis is determined for me, but not this.  I can not wake up to clumps on my pillow, clumps as I wash my hair and brushing the lengths out and I know I can’t sit in someones salon chair as they shave me without emotion.  It is emotional. I know it’s only hair, it grows back, I need to go through it begin the healing with new hair. My hair doesn’t define me.  I have all logical and intellectual thoughts about this too…but it’s part of my identity too.

I’ve never really been a vain person, but it’s not vain to want to keep hair, is it?

But the Lord wants me to heal, I trust that more than anything else. He wants me surrounded by my family and friends through every valley and peak and I plan on following His plan.

So Thursday night, I sat on our deck and had the most intimate grace-filled moment with my husband and children.  I know this was also hard for Kevin, although he was determined to be my strength. He loves my hair. The way he twirls it as we fall asleep relaxes me, the way he gently lifts it as he helps me with a coat comforts me, when I blow it dry and it’s wild waving and untamed and he smiles and says he loves the way it looks has always maked me laugh. I knew cutting it would be hard for him too and he wanted no part of the cut because he knew how hard it was going to be for me and he wants to shield me from pain. But I wanted to do this. The plan was for Jaclyn to cut the ponytail to donate the 14 inch length and Zach would buzz the rest. Zach has buzzed his head when he was in high school for swimming, so he had the most experience (does four times, five years ago really count as experience). All I wanted Kevin to do was sit, hold my hands, and pray with me. The only thing that mattered was that I trusted no one more to cut off my big physical description than these three people.

As Jaclyn cut off the ponytail, tears silently fell from my eyes. It really was not about what the hair was to me, it was more about what baldness meant I was fighting. My beautiful daughter with long brunette hair tried to convince me that I looked great with ear length chopped pieces surrounding my jaw line. I laughed as she said I looked like my sister Diane, because I have always looked up to her and for a moment in time I got to look like her too. But I was jumping into the water of cancer patient with both feet and we could not stop there. Zach clicked on the shears my sister-in-law Mindy had dropped off earlier in the day. The buzz sounded like bees around my head that I did not want to be there, but could not swat away.

Zach looked me in the eyes and lovingly asked “you okay?” all I could do was nod as he placed his left hand gently on my head and the shears begin their journey. He traveled from forehead to neck guiding around the ears and carefully keeping it even.  After about five minutes Kevin tenderly took over. He could tell from the gasps of breath how  I was doing and he knew instinctively that he needed to finish and that I needed his hands to complete this step.  My children moved to chairs in front of me holding my hands as we listed all the blessings in our lives together. All I could focus on at that moment was goodness and praises to fill my mind and heart. When Kevin finished with the shears, all he could do was just hold me and allow me to release all my sadness, fears, and worries into his strong and fearless arms.

Reflecting now on this, I am so glad the Lord allowed me to control how I lost my hair, it was an incredibly intimate moment with my family that I would not have changed for a  moment. I am stronger today because I am on the other side of this step.

I am now, not the cancer patient, or a bald woman that everyone will certainly notice, but the woman with many looks! Well, Kevin doesn’t want me blonde (an easy request to keep) but don’t be surprised to see me in Carmel, tints of Red, or 15 inches of pencil straight lengths under scarves and hats. I always enjoyed catching up with a friend that changed her cut and color with the seasons, she was daring and free! Now I can embrace that gift…to be daring and free with displaying my hair…who am I kidding, I’m too conservative, I’m gonna find a style and stick with it…or not, guess you’ll have to keep tuned in to see.

Thank you to my incredible daughter who purchased cheap fun wigs to make me laugh after the “event”. Thank you for my wonderful husband and son who braved Jaclyn’s insistence in donning the wigs AND allowing pictures. I am so blessed!

I have found him whom my soul loves. Song 3:4

Grace embraced through the loving Thursday evening of shaving with my family.

End of May

Well ending the month of May gives me much pause for reflection.

I began the month on May 1st with being Anointed by Fr. Dave before surgery on May 4th.  My daughter flew home to be with me for surgery.  I remember being in the pre-op area, putting on the gown and looking at my chest for the last time, waiting for the IV insertion that took two different people to get placed, and then the walk to the operating room.  As they directed me to sit on the table, I looked around and realized how large the room was and so sterile and white. It seemed cold too. This room would begin my journey as a different person, a breast cancer survivor, a woman with a mastectomy, a woman who will soon lose her hair with chemo. I had yet to meet my oncologist, so I forced myself to look only at this procedure and go day at a time.  As I followed their instructions to lay on the table, reach out my right arm on an extension of the table that had yellow bumpy foam covering it! They connected the IV to someone at the head of the table. Then they asked me to reach out my left arm onto a similar extension, as I looked passed my arm, I knew numbness,fatigue and pain would live in that arm for weeks and months to come. I said, to no one in particular and to anyone who could hear, that I was praying for them. And I began to silently pray to Jesus and all those loved ones that I felt were watching over me as I floated off to anesthesia land.

Then my sister and niece brought Gianna, pictured here, who brightened my first week of recovery! They stayed with me, helped in so many ways and made me laugh every day! It was just what I needed.

Family brought meals, friends stopped by, cards poured in. As I relax and recover, I look forward to the mail and the cards that arrive! My sister in law who is a great cook and loves to try new recipes is working her way through Betty Crockers Cancer Cookbook through chemo with me. A fantastic culinary weekly experience!

The month was filled with Doctors visit, echocardiogram, blood work, and calls from the U of C billing office to talk about payment plans already.  It’s gonna be a long year.

But then the wait began. Loneliness begins to creep in as the minutes turn to days which turn to weeks.  The waiting is filled with reading, personal scripture study, email, surfing the web, praying, waiting…the pain mess bring on a fuzzy mind, so I am trying hard to limit those.

The final drain is my biggest challenge right now.  I know there was a lot of work on my lymph nodes and they take a lot of time to heal (the numbness may be apart of my life forever), but my spirits are good, I feel strong and am wanting to return to work.  But again the doctor tells me to stay put, in bed, no activity until the drain comes out.

Now the kicker is…the drain comes out next Tuesday whether or not it’s still draining, we have to move on to chemo. We already postponed the May 31st chemo because of the drain, June 7 is chemo without the drain. If it is still draining and my body begins to collect the fluid, it can cause a seroma, meaning they will have to drain the fluid with a needle to avoid infection.  These are things I am strongly praying I do not have to deal with.

My focus is on chemo and fighting any cancer cells that haven taken up residency in my body. I am listening to the doctor and slinging my arm, so that the draining slows naturally and the good Lord blesses me with no seroma or infection.

As I typed the opening sentence of that last paragraph, I think about all my years as a property manager. The worse part of my job was evicting someone for non-payment of rent. I have had to go through that process with residential units and businesses. It’s horrible, I always tried to give them the benefit of the doubt and work with them, but it weighed heavy on me, even when I knew I did everything I could to help.  But this is different these cancer cells were never welcomed in, they are trying to claim squatters rights and I’m fighting with all my might! I’m evicting them from my body!

So to close out May, my oncologist, Phil Hoffman, MD, set the course for my next year. We three rounds of different chemo combinations and radiation, June begins the battle of my life.

Maybe that’s why they want you to rest so much, they know what’s ahead!

Grace embraced: all the calls, cards, texts, emails, gifts, meals and kindness that embraces me every day. 

Faith is not for overcoming obstacles; it is for experiencing them all the way through! Daily Contemplation May 19, 2012

Related articles

• Pathology report (graceembraced.wordpress.com)

Week of healing

I want to share the following sentiment, I read this week:

Whatever your trial, God sees
Whatever your struggles, God knows
Whatever your cry, God hears
Whatever your difficulties, God cares
Whatever your problem, God understands
Whatever your need, God provides

Beautiful! And I know it is true. Last week was a week of my first experience with pain meds. I have never had to be on pain medication for more than a day. You know wisdom teeth extraction or minor surgery. Never Vicodin and never for four plus days. What a ride!

I’m not a pill taker anyway, never have been. If I get a headache, I’d rather take a nap and relax to relieve it than pop a Tylenol. But I’m learning. My pastor wisely said. “Janet, when you don’t take the meds, all you body’s energy is going towards the pain instead of going towards the healing.” Well that made perfect sense to me. My father never like to mask the pain, he wanted to be able to work through it and know when he was healing. But I want to put all my energy into healing. So pain management is now my friend!

I have successfully completed my self-administered lovenox shots since surgery. Lovenox helps to make sure I did not get a blood clot, but the self-injecting into my stomach was not fun. I have a new appreciation of what my mother, who is a diabetic goes through every day with insulin. Now my stomach can begin healing from all the bruises that pepper my abdomen.

Off the Vicodin and back pain is healed.

Off the Lovenox and I’m moving enough not to worry about clotting.

Moving forward, feeling stronger and allowing the Master Healer to care for me. God saw my pain, my difficulties, my cry and He provided healing.

Grace embraced:  I am so grateful for all the graces patients receive through the medicines that our Lord has created through the hands of researches and physicians. I am blessed with the healing power of love that surrounds me.

The loss of a breast

Friday, May 4, 2012  – Sorry just realized this did not post last week, so it will be out of order but I did not want to lose the entry.

Why Me?

A few people have told me it’s normal to ask Why Me.
Is it normal not to ask? I have not asked myself or God Why Me. I think, why not me?
I am a woman with breasts, why should I not be just as likely to get breast cancer?

Maybe I never smoked or drank and that makes me less of a risk factor. But really? Cancer does not discriminate.
And I know I am only given what I can handle and what I need to learn from. So today I lose a breast.

I lose a breast, but gain my life. Or is it that simple?

The wonderful medical staff at University of Chicago was welcoming and calming, but it’s still a sobering experience to say goodbye to your children and spouse before being rolled into the operating room. Looking at the amazing faces of my husband, Kevin; daughter, Jaclyn; and son, Zachary and saying goodbye was hard. While I knew I would be fine in my heart, I still knew the small possibility of the worst case. I was so thankful that our dear friends Dan and Mistee were on their way to be in the waiting room with my family.

I remember entering the operating room and them stretching my arms on either side of me for  blood pressure cuffs, monitors and such. I looked passed the large round lights above me and focused on all those praying for me. I asked my Dad to be with me, I asked my sister, who has been my guardian angel since she passed away at two years old to be with me and I relinquished myself to the Lord and the Doctors that would have my fate in their hands.

I awoke in recovery five hours later, looking into the loving eyes of my husband. We have spent most of our life together, Since high school I have trusted those eyes with my life and my heart and they did not fail me now. He was worried and relieved. The tears of joy told me I survived, but the sadness told me there was more.

After Kevin, my daughter, then my son came in to see me. Zachary was able to walk along as I was wheeled to a room in Bernard Mitchell Hospital. Brad the transporter was a Christian that shared his faith with us. It was exactly what I needed to hear, God’s mercy sent through this young man.

I rested after a short visit, hug and kiss from Dan and Mistee. It was so good to laugh. Dan, I hear you asked if I ate nails for breakfast, since I was so tough. Thanks and I am looking forward to breakfast with your family soon 🙂 I love you, Mistee and the boys!

With an exhausted family from a looong day, I insisted Kevin and Zach head home, while Jaclyn insisted she was sleeping in the chair all night and not leaving my side.

It was a restless night with drains, monitoring, new room-mate and meds ..but I survived with my daughter’s strength holding me up.

Grade embraced: Thank you Lord for the grace of steady hands for the surgeons and caring hearts for the medical staff. Thank you for the blessings of so many loved ones and the grace of opening my eyes to look into the eyes I want to grow old with. I may have lost a breast today, but I gained so much more.