Taking up my cross

Why do so many suffer? Why does anyone even have to?

We have been paying for the sin of eating that apple for a long time.
Sin was brought into this world through a simple act, but this Lent we can choose to look beyond the sin; to look beyond the suffering. To cast our eyes of heaven and remember there is a paradise waiting for us.

I know suffering. I have been in pain. Physical pain through 17 months of treatments and many tests before, throughout and continuing. I have had the emotional pain of losing loved ones. But there is always mountain tops to help us with the valleys. I choose this Lent to focus on the blessings. I want to focus on the graces and the joys of my life. It’s a choice, it’s a decision I make each day. And you have the same choice too. You can choose to remain in the suffering or depression of our lives or you can choose to look upward and change your view.

Christ suffered…He did not have to, He’s God…He could have chosen a million other scenarios to come into the world. But He chose a lowly stable to be born in and a brutal cross to die on. He accepted this path for His life. My suffering can never be as horrible. Lent is calling me to reflect on Christ’s life and I can’t do that without reflecting on everything He gave for me…and you.

So I will take up my cross everyday, no matter how heavy. At the end of the day, I also know that I can lay my cross at the feet of Jesus and He willingly takes it from me. I pray my life gives glory to the graces that have been given me.

Grace embraced today through the kindness of the medical professionals that helped my daughter with her pain this past week while fighting a violent flu, while her parents can’t get to her in Arizona. I love and miss you Jaclyn.

If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:24

Ashes to remind us

Today begins Lent…what does Lent mean to me. As I approach my second anniversary of becoming a survivor, I see this Lent as another opportunity to deepen my faith as I reflect on my past year. Lent is about looking inward and changing our lives to better serve our heavenly Father. So I have to ask how can I change this Lent?

Here’s a lot of ideas for your Lenten journey.

Today’s scripture tells us…”Even now, says the LORD, return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning; Rend your hearts, not your garments,
and return to the LORD, your God. For gracious and merciful is he, slow to anger, rich in kindness, and relenting in punishment.”

I am so thankful for the gracious Lord – fasting is about offering myself to the Lord for all the goodness He has given my life.

Happy Lent, may it be joy filled as you journey towards Easter!

“We are ambassadors for Christ, as if God were appealing through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.”

Grace embraced through the opportunities to serve in ministry

Last Herceptin!

Thursday, August 8^th is my sister’s birthday.  This year along with the gift I sent her in Colorado I also gave her a better gift. My last day of treatment.  I’m done with surgery, I’m done with Adriamycin, Cytoxan Chemotherapy. I’m done with Taxol Chemotherapy. I’m done with Radiation therapy. I’m now done with a year of Herceptin chemotherapy. It was the last piece in the puzzle and I’m so happy that the last piece of the puzzle is complete!

So August 8th was a true celebration. The only thing that would have made it better was if my daughter, Jaclyn and my sisters could have been here to celebrate with me.

However my husband did an amazing job celebrating with me. He took off work early to go to treatment with me. Even though I’ve been going to treatments alone since finishing Taxol, (Herceptin does not affect my driving), he wanted to go with me. I always become extremely tired after Herceptin. So a restful weekend is always in order.

Kevin and I laughed with the nurses as we all celebrated my final treatment visit. I brought treats as a thank you for being so wonderful! We laughed, hugged and said good-bye. I stopped downstairs to the radiology section to drop treats for those lovely ladies there too. I’ll miss them, but not the treatments. I trust the Lord has removed all the cancer, so visits there will in the future will only be to say hello!  Like my oncologist said last month, “well you’re looking good, and we threw the book at you.” And I smiled and said “thanks, it was a really heavy book.”

Kevin and I left University of Chicago Comprehensive Cancer Center at Silver Cross for home. My son was waiting for me to celebrate with my family. Kevin had invited my mom, brothers and their families over for dinner to celebrate. But he had more up his sleeve.

As Mindy, my sister-in-law, came armed with paper products and flowers, she began preparing veggies, appetizers and desserts. In came Mary and Dominic from Cafe Milan in Frankfort. I have known them for 15 years and they have the best caterers in the area (http://caffemilanfrankfort.com/menu.htm) They brought in more food than my family eats and I started to suspect something was afoot.

Spinach lasagna, chicken pesto, strawberry spinach salad, baked fruit and congratulatory cakes filled my kitchen counter. Then friends started arriving.  I was so thrilled to see so many people who have filled my life the past 18 months celebrating with me!

What an amazing evening!

Thank you Kevin. And Thank you Lord for bringing me through this journey. I know it will never be completely over, but I have reached to top of the mountain and can see the light streaming on my face from heaven! Every day is grace filled!

Grace embraced through every moment of love I have received and I pray that I can share it forward to others in my life through any challenging valleys they may have to travel, while praising with them for all the wonderful moments of mountaintops!

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God
not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:7-10 

Prayer

Pope Francis this past week told the pilgrims at World Youth Day in Rio, “learn to pray everyday: this is the way to know Jesus and invite him into your lives“.

If you did not know how to pray before, everyone learns how to when the hear the words “You have cancer.”

No matter where you are or what you are doing, you lift up your prayers to the Lord.

Some may call God by other names, but just as I have many names (Janet, Mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, coworker), God has many names. The incredible thing about God is He loves each one of us completely and hears each one of our cries with a merciful heart, through our calling out to him.

Prayer has been a foundation in my life since childhood. I always knew I had a guardian angel watching over me and felt the presence of God with me. I had a sister that passed away at the age of two, just 16 months before I was born and I always pictured she was my guardian angel. Jesus loves the little children, so having her at the feet of Jesus enabled me to focus on goodness and truth as I grew. I was just an ordinary child, the third of six children growing up. Of course we had our share of fights, but we stuck together. My three sisters and two brothers were more important to me than anyone. We were a big gang when we vacationed (usually camping) or spent the summers at the pool, but we were placed on this earth together…to take care and watch out for each other. And we did.

But it was not until I became a mother that my prayer life kicked into the forefront of everyday life. When I discovered I was expecting I began praying daily…and have not stopped every 26 years later. I learned that the Lord guides my marriage, my children and my life. I can communicate with him, I can disagree with him, I can praise him and I can rejoice with him…but I can not control the path he has in store for me. No matter how hard I have tried in the past – and I have tried!

I enjoy experiencing all types of prayers; alone and with others. Bible studies, meditation, spontaneous, retreats, songs, poems, prayers of the church, memorized, adoration, praying with my husband and so many other forms. This foundation that was built over my the course of my life was essential to living through the past year and a half. I prayed for the medical personnel and my family and friends. I prayed that I would be healed so that I am able to show the Lord’s power and glory. I prayed that I would be able to know the grandchildren that He has planned for me (then I switched to praying that my grandchildren will know me too!) I prayed for other cancer patients and those facing life changing illnesses and in a special way for those facing these challenges without the support of family and friends.

Prayer changes everything…because it first changes you.

May you find time today to pray and be changed.

Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer. Romans 12:12

Grace embraced through the growth that I have experienced in times of tribulations and in times of prayer.

21 days of Freedom

I have gotten a taste of freedom!

Freedom from doctor’s appointment…
Freedom from physical therapy…
Freedom from blood pressure checks…
Freedom from the dreaded weight ins…
And even Freedom from wigs….I am going la natural!

The last 21 days, I have not had a medical appointment of any kind! Some people say survivors go through a depression when treatments end, they miss the attention, the check ups, the care…

But I enjoyed the freedom! The Lord has blessed me abundantly with so many people surrounding me that the care and prayers continue, so no depression here! Only JOY in the graces of Gods mercy and healing hands!

The first six months of 2013 has brought appointments with oncologists, breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, internal medicine, optometrist, gynecologist, physical therapists, radiologists, urologist, echocardiogram techs and infusion nurses. Surgeries for bladder and colonoscopy, and blood work galore! Every turn has been ALL CLEAR! Music to my ears and gratitude in my heart!

Today counts as my fourth to last chemo treatment, and as you can see I am gladly counting down. My daughter used post it notes to count down the last days of school for her students and so I adopted the ideas…my nurses are laughing at me, but think its great!

I look forward to more 21 days of freedom…then 6 months of freedom…the years of freedom! I love all the medical providers, but I love the freedom they give me when I hear them say “you’re doing great!” I give all the glory to my Lord, for he is the Comforter and Healer!

Grace embraced with the freedom God has bestowed in my life the past three weeks.
“Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.” Phil 1:7

Another milestone

Oh the joy The Lord has given me this past year.

A year ago today I had my mastectomy surgery. And so began the hardest summer of my life. The only thing harder than this fight I had in front of me was losing my Dad. But I have survived both challenges.

People say “the Lord only gives you what you can handle”…but He doesn’t ask if I want to handle it! I wanted my Dad with me so often this past year. Lymphoma took him within five months, but I know my Dad was with me every step of this past year. I am filled with joy, because I have a faith that trusts in God’s divine providence. I know I might not be able to handle everything, but God can and I usually need to remember to step aside and allow God’s glory to take hold.

Every treatment, chemo, radiation, therapy, doctors appointments and bad day was in God’s ultimate plan. And it feels so good to know that someone all knowing has my back.

This past year has taught me how precious life is…I always knew it of course, but to be thrust in the middle of a life battle really makes you look differently. It also gives you the ability to not sweat the small stuff.

Every blade of grass has a purpose, every ant a mission. What a wonderful gift to be given…a new pair of eyes to see Gods creation and to contemplate its purpose and mission.

Look at the world differently today. Because we are here today, does not guarantee tomorrow. God gives us so much each and every day…we need to embrace each grace, smile and give love back.

Grace embraced this year through the beautiful creation I have seen with my new eyes e of God!

Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day. Genesis 1:29-31

Anniversary thoughts

Today begins the Anniversary march. You know when you experience the “firsts” of everything.

One year ago today I found my lump. Although I say “my”, I never took ownership of it. It was a foreigner in my body and as soon as I felt it I wanted it out. I remember telling my husband and he said lovely “it’s probably nothing”. I know he was trying to calm my fears and comfort me. But the one thing I was not was fearful.

I was with my father on November 24, 2006 when the doctor drained the fluid from his lungs and told him the tests were stage 4 lymphoma. He looked at my mother and lovely said “we’ve had a great life”. He would fight with everything he had, but he was not fearful but calm in those first few moments.

I remember thinking immediately of my dad and how strong he was and how faith-filled he was. And I felt the same way. I was not fearful, but I was concerned. Yet, I felt a peace over me. As if the Lord was saying to me “I’ve got this”. And I believed…

“It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority” Acts 1:7

And I have always trusted in my Lord…and He has never failed me.

I trusted His plan is so much better than any plan I could imagine.
I trusted His timing is perfect and that I will not be disappointed.
I trusted His healing power to guide those ministering to me.
I trusted His joy in seeing His glory in all that I would undergo.

And He exceed any expectations I could have imagined.

I would not wish this journey on anyone and I would not choose to go through it again. But I was so blessed with each step of this journey. You have read before all those that have helped me. But spiritually nothing compares to the depth of the relationship between Jesus and me.

He hears from me daily and many times throughout the day.

And I hear from Him more than ever…
I hear his voice in the friends that have reached out to me.
I hear his voice in the family that have cared for me.
I hear his voice in the doctors as they treat me.
I hear his voice in all the support techs and nurses that have shown amazing kindness.

His grace surrounds me.

When I began this blog I named it Grace Embraced, because I knew I felt grace filled moments as I walked those first few weeks alone with my husband and children. Now I know God named this Grace Embraced because He planned on filling every moment of my life with grace, as He has always done…but my eyes are now wide open and I can clearly see the grace as it flows around me.

Grace is Love.
And
Love is God.

To all the wonderful women in my life…for me, do a self-exam this evening…be aware of your own body…don’t put off until tomorrow…I love you all too much to not remind you…

So even on this anniversary that no one wants to remember, and as I approach the first anniversary of surgery and first anniversary of chemo, etc. I remember my dad’s words “we’ve had a good life” and I’m still enjoying it! Thanks Dad for looking down on me and Praise to the Lord for his goodness endures forever and flows over me we grace! According to my medical oncologist, my chances are statistically 50/50 that I will be here for more than 5 years. But my God knows statistics don’t hold any value with Him and I will continue to embrace and follow Him!

Grace embraced through you all; and you all are embraced with all the graces I have received, because I cannot receive them without sharing them with you.

“the day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Matthew 24:36

A scorch mark to heal

Have you ever left an iron on a shirt for too long?

Was it scorched and left with the outward appearance of burnt ugliness?
Picture that spot, a big spot the shape of an iron and little dots where the steam comes from.

Yes, I may have ruined a shirt or skirt once or twice, but sometimes it was the materials fault…maybe? The fabric was too fragile or has too much silk content, or maybe the iron was just too hot for the fabric. It really does not matter the shirt is ruined beyond repair as you stand and look at the oblong pointed burn.

I decided that is what my left chest has doubled as for the last few weeks.
The redness reached its worst on New Year’s Eve. The deep reddish-brown color did not resemble my skin at all. I felt as if the medicine was not working. I was throwing a cup of water at a burning house. My attempts were pointless.

I was scorched, with an outward appearance of ugliness. I have been living in Kevin’s cotton undershirt. Everyone suggested it would be the softest against my skin and they were right. Loose enough to not interfere with the healing process but enough to keep me warm. Thank goodness Christmas break afforded me with days to hunker down at home and not have to worry about how I looked in public.

I began radiation with lathering on Radiaplex gel, trying to ward off the burning. Even though I was diligent, the radiation was stronger. Once I began to burn I switched to Silver Sulfadiazine Cream topped with a layer of Hydrogel. This worked well until the dryness came along. Once pocket areas started drying up and peeling it was on to Aquaphor. The over the counter healing ointment was so soothing, but still takes a long time to heal. Since the skin was not healing quickly, the radiation team suggested Aquaphor layered with Hydrogel on top. I added Benadryl gel to the areas that drove me crazy wanting to itch. What a cocktail without any of the joy of getting tipsy!

But it’s healing – a week and half from last radiation treatment has brought more normal looking skin. It is more centralized now in the “boost” area. The last five treatments were focused on the scar line. The scar line is where cancer cells more often reappear. So the rad tech laughed at me when I brought them all Boost to help boost their day, since they were boosting mine!

So the scar line is still open sores that had me returning to Silver Sulfadiazine Cream. But I can see the rest is moving to healing and this area will be a few weeks behind. I will be so grateful when this part is healed and free from burns.

Grace embraced through the healing power we are blessed with in medicines. God created amazing people to develop treatments that help others move into recovery and healing! Praise God!

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Isaiah 58:8

3/4 Done!

Today was my last day of radiation.
Another celebration!
Another victory over cancer!
Another gift of another day!

Radiation was 33 days long. 33 days may not seem like a lot, but it was exhausting to my body and spirit at times. All my energy was sent getting through my work days without effecting others. Then I would collapse at home. I am so fortunate to have an amazing husband that gives and does and takes care of me. He allowed me to relax and put my tired feet up as soon as I walked in the door. Radiation took its toll on me, thank goodness everyone around me understood.

The fatigue and burnt skin may still take up to four weeks to heal. I will miss the techs but not the early morning appointments or the damaging rays. Chemo and radiation damages us to make us better…what a concept!

My skin is burnt from my underarm to the center of my chest and from my clavicle to my stomach. But as it begins to heal, I am not focusing on the ugly peeling but on the pink new skin underneath.

New skin that represents new healing,new hope, new life, new beginnings.
New skin that offers a fresh start as we begin a fresh year.

Healing through the pain and discomfort is my new routine. I know January will bring crispy winter days and as I breathe in the cold Chicago air, I will remember each breath is a gift, each day a treasure. I survived chemo, I survived radiation, now eight months left of Herceptin and creating a healthy life that keeps the cancer away.

As my new skin over takes the old worn burnt skin, I begin a new year with a bright fresh “pink skinned” outlook.  New skin ready to receive the gift of healthy cells.

May all those currently in treatments see the new skin that awaits them.

“No one tears a piece out of a new garment to patch an old one. Otherwise, they will have torn the new garment, and the patch from the new will not match the old. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine wants the new, for they say, “The old is better.” Luke 5:37-39 

Grace embraced through the healing of the skin over the next few weeks. May my new “wineskin” create a new garment for my body to be cancer-free!

Sunshine!

My radiation team is my Sunshine!

Each weekday morning for the past 20-some days, I have woken up. Kissed my husband goodbye as he heads into work and I head into the Radiation Department at the Cancer Care Center. Kim, Nikki, Rosie, Joann, and Melissa welcome me with smiles. They are my sunshine every day.

Sunshine provides light to others…and their smiles and warmth help survive the treatments.

Sunshine provides rays that burn the skin if over exposed…that too is unfortunately the side effects to help kill cancer cells (and boy do I have the burning, tight and peeling skin!)

Sunshine also gives you a boost of energy…and I’m now in the final days of radiation which is called the “boost”. It concentrates all the rays on the scar line, where the cancer can most commonly return.

There you have it, “sunshine”, the most amazing women, who care, laugh and smile their patients through a challenging time. They provide music and even mood lighting right before they leave to administer the rays from behind two walls and a huge metal door!

These ladies are truly sunshine! I have enjoyed getting to know them over the past six weeks and look forward to coming to visit with no treatment needed!

Iris is also a bright light each morning. Early December, Iris switched her radiation schedule and began coming right before me. Previous to her switch, radiation a pretty lonely wait. I saw no one in the changing room or waiting area.  Most days I go by myself, so Iris and I quickly took the opportunity to strike up a conversation. We soon discovered that we are on the same schedule, we will both have our last treatment on the same day. What a joy to celebrate with someone! Our hair is growing back at about the same rate, although she is braver than I and wears it for all to see (she also has less white hair). Our journeys have been similar and its been wonderful to share the experience with another survivor. Iris has been a joy to get to know and another beam of sunlight to my radiation mornings.

Grace embraced through the care and kindness of these incredible woman, showing gentle compassion to those in their care. May God bless them and their families

“A cheerful heart is good medicine” Proverbs 17:22a