June 3, 2012
The sleepless nights this weekend were filled with upset stomach and restlessness.
As I lay in bed, I wondered if they were from concern for my daughter and husband who were driving cross-country from Arizona. Or could it be all that I was reading online about chemo and the side effects?
Either way the sleepless nights make for non-productive days and my body needs to heal.
Finally I began to meditate.
My mantra moves between…Jesus I trust in You or Courage daughter, your faith has healed you.
As I closed my eyes and calmed my mind, I began the mantra.
I saw only black, but it seemed like shades of black moving on a canvas.
Or a pitch black sky with no light anywhere.
I continued to pray, hoping for rest and assurance.
Suddenly something appeared like a flame coming out of the darkness,
my eyes immediately focused on its beautiful orange-yellow brightness as it began to encompass more of the black.
It developed into the shape of a cross!
Beautiful, bright and illuminating the darkness.
It was the comfort that I needed.
It was a clear sign from our Lord Jesus.
Although I have never felt Christ left my side, I certainly felt his message burning into my heart and mind at this moment.
I felt the presence of Christ.
He is with me, He hears me, He loves me and He will never abandon me.
This Thursday is my first chemotherapy infusion. The combination of Adriamycin, Cytoxan, and Taxol is very aggressive and will definitely take my hair. But it’s only hair right? Easier to say than live through. I know that by the end of June I will be saying no big deal, it’s only hair, but right now it’s another event that defines my life as a cancer patient.
But with all the anxieties, worries and challenges I face, this message from the Lord comforts me and centers me to move forward.
Courage Daughter, your faith has restored your health Matthew 9:22
Grace Embraced through meditated imagery that will remain in my mind’s eye through this week’s chemo!