Saturday, May 12, 2012
This week has been filled with new challenges and new sensations.
My arm hurts. The numbness continues throughout my left side and underside of my upper arm. I can’t lift it higher than about 30% off my body. I try to stretch and work it, but it is painful.
My drains are uncomfortable. I have two tubes coming out of my body. It seems like something from the movies. It’s not a pretty sight to see when visitors stop by. It’s a little gross to empty, measure and chart, then clean and set for the next drain collection.
My sleep is restless. I sleep, but never move, so I awake stiff and sore. I need to roll to my side, but am prevented by the drain and the pain.
My body screams for showers, but showers are so exhausting. My sister helped me shower. As tears ran down my face, ashamed of needing help while so grateful for her love, I cleaned myself. It felt so good to have water running down at least 80% of my body. My left side can’t get wet, so sponge bath for that side. My hair needs to be washed in a sink. I never thought of my long brunette hair, that my husband loves, as beautiful, but when you are facing losing it all, you seem to really appreciate it. I realized that my hair has not been above my shoulders since I was in 8th grade and the thought of what I will look like is very humbling. My husband watches as my niece washes my hair, for he is so nervous about hurting me and doing everything right. My second shower I am helped by my husband, it is even better than my first shower. Kevin puts in the stool/chair that was sold with the shower last year (that we have never used). God’s plan preparing for this moment. It makes everything easier. There is a place to set my drains, I can sit and shave my legs, I can relax and feel the water release the tension from my body. This shower takes an hour from the start of removing my bandages to putting on clean bandages and my pajamas. But it is wonderful.
My chest itches. The surgical tape will fall off on its own, but not until it drives me crazy. My daughter lovingly tells me I officially have the largest scar in our whole family.
Should I cry over that or embrace it and be proud of what I have overcome. But I have not overcome anything yet. I am still traveling through the darkness. But look ahead, can you see the light that I see? I keep myself focused on the light!
I am humbled.
By the outreach of family and friends – through calls, text, emails and cards.
By the meals that are brought to us out of love.
By the visit and hugs that I am receiving daily.
By the laughter of great stories that keep my uplifted.
By my sister and niece flying to my side to help, when help was needed and the precious gift of beautiful Gianna, my 7 week old grand-niece who brought pure joy into my week of suffering by her smile, first giggle and first roll over.
By the friends and family that are walking tomorrow in the YME walks in Chicago and Denver.
By the friends and family in Arizona that don’t have a YME walk in the area, so they are getting up in the morning and walking 3 miles in my honor.
I am humbled by YOU.
Grace Embraced: The Lord showers me with love through all the suffering, just as he does you in your life. Remember to see the light in the darkness and always stay focused with me.