Sunday, May 6,2012
I came home from the hospital last evening and was exhausted. My brother and sister-in-law brought over dinner which I was so grateful for. I just wanted to snuggle in bed with my family. And that’s exactly what we did.
We put the lasagna in the oven to stay warm and they tucked me into my big comfy bed. As we sat there talking and laughing, one by one the exhaustion from the past two days hit us and we each had a corner of the bed and collapsed for about 20 minutes. I awoke before everyone and my eyes filled with tears from the love I had of these amazing people God has blessed me with. I was sore, tired and had a long road ahead of me, but I was not alone. Dear friends and loved ones were walking this journey with me.
As I moved to the bathroom to change from my hospital clothes to pajamas (front closure of course), it would be the first time I saw in the mirror what I lost.
I looked at my face. I seemed to be the same person as I was last week. I looked the same, I felt the same.
Then I looked at my blouse. There was a distinct difference in my right and left chest.
Was I thinking there would not be? Was I thinking it would not be so drastic?
I don’t know what I was thinking. I felt numb.
What had I done? Who had I become? How could I move forward?
Jaclyn could hear my tears falling and as a woman could only imagine what I was feeling.
I know in my heart and head that every decision I made was the right one. This was the right step, but to see a bandage where I use to have a breast really kicks reality into hyper mode. They got the tumor out – I know that. They found cancerous cells in the lymph nodes and removed the lymph nodes. That moved my cancer to Stage 3A. They are optimistic that it has not traveled elsewhere and that the chemo and radiation will stop any further growth.
But I still had an empty spot on my chest.
I collapsed into my husband arms and was surrounded by pure love and strength. Kevin says I’m the strong one, but truly he is my rock.
At my Loyola graduation, each grad was given a rock. Jagged on the outside but beautiful and smooth within. It sits on my desk at my office reminding me of how God continues to work in my life and through me.
I know each day I will look in the mirror and see a new person. A new me that is being refined and polished. Just as that rock I too am beautiful within.
Grace embraced: The scar that defines the soaring life I am committed to lead as He guides me through the rough times.